Of thoughts and emotions

The truth about recession

piyasree — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 09:10:15 +0000

I remember hearing this word for the first time about a year back. One of my friends told me his company was firing people because they could not afford them anymore. I was quite surprised, because it was supposedly one of those big companies growing pretty fast. I ignored this thinking it might be a foriegn phenomena, not to affect us here. Of course, I was wrong. Soon my friend lost his job since his company closed down. And other horror stories started flowing in.

When something goes wrong somewhere, you may think that it happens to ‘some other people somewhere else’. A few of us have been lucky enough to miss all the earthquakes, floods, bomb blasts and other disasters which had altered people’s lives. But this phenomena of recession soon became a reality that spread so fast and with such vigour that soon it had crossed over geographies and right at my door step.

My husband was one of the first set of people who lost his job thanks to this. Soon some close friends followed suit. Eventually I realised I know at least 25 people who have lost their jobs in this market. During this period I was working as a counsellor and most of my clients were dealing with the same situation. It was everywhere I went and everybody I spoke to… And we were in the middle of it ourselves…

I got fired from job (for the first and hopefully the only time) in October 2007. It was not because of any global economic meltdown. It was sheer bad choice on my part in terms of the people I had chosen to work for. But in those times no one I knew had gotten the pink slip. So it had become very personal. However, I got past the whole thing primarily because of the support of my family and friends. And that was the one thing I remembered when it happened again. And I wanted to share some stuff that helped us go through it:

Sharing with family and friends. They are often more supportive and less judgemental than we give them credit for.

Reigning the outgoing buck seemed to be a good idea. While it does get rather difficult to control the usual costs (and definitely not advisable), I postponed a few of my truant desires to splurge and ended up feeling responsible and hence rather good.

Keeping the talks open… When we spoke openly about our apprehensions, fears and sorrows to each other, it helped a lot. I never tried to be the ‘strong’ one, because I didnt want to deal with some false emotions when in reality I was shit scared. I soon realised we are both fairly strong individuals and quite capable of handling stress. Sharing these thoughts actually helped us get over the fear a lot quicker.

While some people got lucky with the new job, for some it took a while. Instead of getting all depressed about it, we just kept applying. And eventually a good news came walking down the road. Of course, while on the look out some people tried to take advantage offering bad profile and poor pay. But we decided to hang on and not jump into something shitty. Worked like charm…

Its a new life

piyasree — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:29:00 +0000

It took us almost two months to find a corner for ourselves in Mumbai. Apart from the fact that we were financially challenged for a good part of it, the real estate god was also playing hide and seek with us. Of course, finally things did look up and as of May 10th 2009, we have become the proud tenants of a cute 1 BHK in a rather peaceful nook of Mumbai.

Let me confess, I was not very happy about it initially. I am an out and out Bandra girl. I have almost always lived there, and think its heaven in Mumbai. Of course, I can no more afford a place in that corner I love so much. So I had to settle for the next best. This is where my husband always stayed, and he completely adores it. I too warmed up to it eventually…

But this is not the only component of my new life. My marriage is slowly moving towards maturity, and just when I thought we had kind of settled down, we found a brand new thing to get all excited about. We got our first pet.

I had written about my fears and apprehensions of having a pet in my last post. I remember feeling very anxious, nervous and scared about letting another living creature enter our lives. Honestly, I was not sure how either of us were planning on handling it. But then, I guess sometimes you just get lucky.

We brought home this calico kitty, about two months old, tiny and shivering into our house one Saturday evening about a month ago. She mewed her heart out for the first two days, and then realised we were not monsters, and decided to give us a chance. Eventually she also decided that we might be interesting playmates and since then there has been no looking back. She litter-trained herself in 24 hrs and has been grooming herself from the very first day… She runs around the house, plays with us, and sleeps on us when she is tired… She is growing bigger each day, with a better appetite and strength to show off. We hardly hear her voice these days because she does not complain anymore…

So that’s Kuku the wonder cat. The tiny thing has changed our lives completely. I never imagined it would make such a huge difference to have a fluffy furry living creature in the house. We have spent endless hours playing with her, cuddling her, talking baby-talk, or just watching her sleep… We have become the ‘cat-people’ who have loads of kitty stories to share with our friends & family. I go back home to her with a smile on my face. She is the best stress-buster I know… And what is amazing is that we seem to have become happier people….

So here’s to my new life in Mumbai… Not only a new place, but a new phase of life all together… We have jobs, friends, a home to take care of, and a little kitten who means the world to us…

To pet or not to pet

piyasree — Thu, 07 May 2009 10:59:00 +0000

I have never known myself as a lover of any species other than humans. Well not that I like most humans, but that apart, I have never really shown a lot of affection for the stray dog, the crow on my terrace, or the fish in the pond. I actually eat a lot of animal flesh (some people say I can eat anything that walks or crawls). But I have never felt a surge of love for them. In fact, if I remember correctly, I have usually been a little scared of them, especially the canines residing on the streets… I always told my parents I wanted a pet, and since none of them obliged I left it at that for all these years.

Things change, and so do people. And apparently so have I. Just like a number of things I am rediscovering about myself, I also discovered that I actually am quite affectionate towards the animal kingdom. I found a dog for my mum, and when I finally met her I realised she was one of the most adorable creatures I have laid my eyes on. I met the two kittens my friend has and realised I can totally live with them. I read Marley and me and wanted Marley for myself… And today when I see a pup or a kitty on the street, I often find myself on all fours trying to play with them.

My husband, on the other hand, has always been an animal lover. I got to know that he had brought a pup home when he was a kid. He had taken care of a sick cat in college, and he is now most enthusiastic about having a pet. And that is where the real test came in. While I have been saying I want to have a pet, I have started having doubts. But first, how I got into the situation of having a pet…

After moving to Mumbai we have been staying with a friend. A cat recently delivered a litter in his house, behind the TV cabinet to be more precise. When I discovered them, I was ecstatic… I immediately called a friend who is a real pet lover and we started dreaming of adopting them. It was only last night that I suddenly had a panic attack… It’s like always wanting a baby but suddenly you are actually pregnant… I started thinking of all the things I will have to do in the pretext of caring for the kitty… Litter cleaning, feeding, medical attention, etc etc etc. I just realised that it will be a massive task, where I will suddenly be responsible for another living being… And its freaking me out… So all those experienced pet lovers out there, please tell me what to do….

What makes you happy

piyasree — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:03:00 +0000

The other day, a friend of mine was sharing her experience of the first flight she took in her life. And in the course of the conversation, she said ‘nothing excites us any more Piya… We know we can afford most of the things these days, and for the stuff we can’t, we really don’t care for that much….’

It was a Saturday night and we were sitting at a popular pub in town… music blaring and beer flowing… We had just come out of a movie and I had also shopped to my hearts’ content… But I knew I was not that thrilled about it. I guess that’s why this comment got me thinking…

There was a time when going for a movie itself was a huge event. We planned and discussed and eagerly waited for the day, and discussed some more once it was over for hours… going to a pub of course was unheard of in college and even though a regular feature of work-life, the novelty of it all lasted for quite a bit…
Today of course things are different. Movies, pubs, shopping are like weekly activities… I often feel we are running out of activities that amuse us. I buy what I like and what I think I want, but usually the excitement for the newly obtained object lasts for precisely a day. Sex too is easy… then what is it that melts our hearts and fills it up with warmth?

I do remember that we are supposed to be generation x, and I guess gen y or z are already on their way. My school going niece (currently 12) wants a mobile phone because everyone else in her class has it. It had taken us barely two years to move one from our colour handsets to one with camera and now we are looking at touch phones. Walkmans are obsolete and ipods are in… Gadgets, designer clothes, cars… We have it all and we want more.
But coming back to the original question… What makes us happy? What makes you happy? What is it that fills you heart? Why are we not excited by most of the things around us? The last time I felt really really happy was the day I came back to Mumbai to be greeted by all my friends. I felt great for days… Over the years I have had very few moments which I remember and narrate to others… With time those occasions seem to be dwindling in number… Have I already reached a state where I can only reminisce about my past? Will this present have any meaning in future?

piyasree — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:34:00 +0000

Last evening I realized I may not be as impulsive as I think I am… I had to encounter something, and I was 100% sure I would react negatively to it. But surprise!!! Not only did I not react to it, I was surprisingly cool and ‘appropriate’. I guess I have finally mastered the art of discretion. Or perhaps because I realized it would be a short and smiled my way through it.

How do people react when they suddenly come across someone they don’t wish to interact with? One can always avoid them, pretending they never noticed. Or they can themselves move away, thus avoiding an awkward meeting. If there is no time to react (read escape) they either smile through it or behave rather rudely. Now I had all of the options mentioned above… and I just chose to be diplomatic (I must say it was neither pre-contemplated nor a natural reaction). I don’t know why and how I did what I did. But it did leave me with this thought… how many people do I know who I don’t want to cross paths with for the rest of my life? The list is surprisingly long…

1. Some of my batch mates from school and college
2. My math teacher from high school
3. My professor from graduation
4. Ex boyfriends
5. A couple of my past employers
6. Some of my relatives
7. One landlady
8. A few of my colleagues
9. My husband’s old employer

In fact, there are a few people in this list on whom I have dreamt of inflicting great pains… and if wishes were horses they would have all been rotting in hell by now… Or some medieval ghostly insects would be feeding on them. However, since that’s not happening, I guess I will have to do with the diplomacy and freedom of thought….

Fear Factor

piyasree — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 12:10:00 +0000

I am a coward. I am scared of a thousand different things, starting from lizards to snakes to fire to ghosts… I am scared of being run over by a bus while I cross the road…. I can never come down from an escalator because I am scared I will fall, and I am shit scared of staying alone in a house. In fact, there are so many things that frighten me all the time, that I often wonder how the hell am I surviving this scary world? The weird part is, I don’t recall being scared of a lot of things in childhood… For example, I was never uncomfortable with heights as a child, or even a teenager. When I got that nut loose in my head is quite a mystery to me today. Similarly, I cant recall when and how I started fearing the prospect of staying alone at home. The phobea is so acute now that when my husband is away I either make a friend stay over or plonk myself at someone’s place… This is the same me who has stayed alone, that too in funny places till about two years back.

However, I do know how I have developed my latest fear of travelling in cars. Last year we had an accident on the road, a head-on collision on a hilly area. Nothing happened to any one of us, expcept for the fact that now I start sweating and get extremely anxious when someone’s driving above the speed of 50.

I usually find ways to deal with my problems… And avoidance has never been my game. But the fear factor is the one I am unable to deal with… I wish I knew what to do… Yes going to a therapist is definitely a very good option, but as of now I consider myself as functional. So I think there is still time for that. May be some of them will go away with time… And if they don’t, I think I will go for some other way out…

Things to do before I die…

piyasree — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 09:33:00 +0000

I am all abput making lists. I make list of grocery, books, movies, and about things I need to do every day, or in the following week and so on… I watched ‘Bucket list’ a few months back, and while I did think it was a nice movie I guess I was touched a lot more by our own desi Dusvidaniya… I found it really sweet, very real, and at times extremely poignant and emotional…

For a long time I told myself I don’t want a very long life… Thanks to a couple of friends and Hitch-hiker’s guide, I decided I wanted to die at the age of 42. But then I got married… And now I want to live as long as I can with Pradeep…. He seems to have changed my entire outlook with one simple formula… His love for life and me…. While watching the movie I repeatedly felt very blessed/thankful that I met him and now we together… I guess its all about companionship… But all of us don’t always find a good companion to share our pains with, right…. So I have started appreciating it a lot more….

I have made this ‘Things to do before I die list’ a couple of times earlier, I have it all revised now… Owing to the getting wiser bit I guess. Or the fact that now I have a person to share some of these dreams with… But here are a few things I wish to do before I finally kick the bucket… Pray for me that I manage to do at least a few…

1. Adopt a baby girl

2. Start something for the kids

3. Take our parents for a vacation somewhere exotic

4. Take up a small job somewhere and spend a couple of months. The job has to be for both of us

5. Learn atleast one other language

6. Start music lessons again

7. Adopt a couple of cats

8. Take a trip around the world

9. Become a certified scooba diver

10. Get a nice tatoo

piyasree — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:53:00 +0000

Too many thoughts in my head… Too many questions, too many comments, too many options… Life has suddenly become one too many…

I started working again… Like real work…. Not the ‘home-based I dont have much to do’ kind of work… Work that actually keeps me occupied for most part of the day… Which always means interactions with a bunch of other individuals… People who behave as parts of an organism popularly known as ‘office politics’. And its time for me to figure out where I stand… And then express the same… Well honestly I care a damn… I am still upset about Mumbai… I am still angry and disgusted and so on… I have stopped watching news channels, because I am tired of the teary eyed Burkha Dutt showing us the curtain which acted as the make-shift ladder for the people to escape… I am tired of foriegners saying how they still think this country is safe and beautiful… Ofcourse it is… I dont need to be told that… I am not going anywhere, trust me…

I have been getting protest mails, sms-es pointing out the absence of Raj Thackrey, and reading many a blog of people who were actually there somewhere while this fiasco happened… Actually I don’t even have a ‘word’ to describe what happened between 25th and 27th November… Its all still a blur…A real bad dream which I wish was not true… Anyways, the point is, that people have taken offence this time… Real offence… I don’t know why it took all these years, but the people pf Mumbai have finally risen with the voice that they dont really believe in that ‘spirit of Mumbai‘ bullshit… It was perhaps true during the riots, or the flood, or the number of blasts that scarred the city… But this time its different… I don’t know if its the rare mix of the death of rich and poor alike that has created this havoc response… Or if its the random yet careful selection of locations, the shock of your own homes being ripped apart… The horror and finality… But people seem to have finally woken up…

Here’s what I want to tell my fellow Mumbaikars… Please don’t get up and portray ‘resilience‘ or ‘perseverance‘. Hang the Mumbaikar spirit… Yes you should not be afraid… But you can mourn… And you can grieve… For this is that time when you let go of your controls… We all grieve with you…

piyasree — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:39:00 +0000

Mumbai has come in my blog a number of times… I have written about my feelings and experiences here, and god knows how much I love the city… How I consider Mumbai to be my second home… The city which gave me my identity, my friends, my husband and the four most wonderful years of my life.

Then yesterday morning I woke up with a call from a friend… Someone who knew about my ties with the city… She asked me to look… And I saw… I saw a bunch of men mutilating my city… Killing my people… burning my buildings… I watched and watched in horror as flames blew out of the Taj…. Grenades exploding in Oberoi and gunshots pierced through VT, Leopold, Colaba… I sat helpless trying to understand what is going on…

Since then we all have been waiting for this nightmare to end… And as the time passed by, we came across horror stories shared by friends and families who lost a part of them, who are being held hostage for the last 35 hours…

I have been crying… I cant explain the pain I feel right now… Yes I was lucky that my friends having dinner at Colaba escaped, my cousin at VT left just in time…. My other family and friends never went to south bombay on wednesday. But so many others were not so lucky. My city was not so lucky. And I want to know why… Yesterday I saw a man saying he wants to wait and watch the deadbodies of the terrorists coming out of Taj… Because they have dared to touch Mumbai… And I feel the same way. I heard one of the men have been captured. All I could think was that if I had a gun I would have blown his head off right there…

I dont want to know who these people were. I dont want to know where they came from and what is it that they wanted out of this. All I want to know is that what is it that drove these men to walk in on innocent people and shoot at them. If this was a religious retaliation, they could not have avoided killing their own men. If it was for revenge, who are they seeking it from? I keep hearing all this was well planned… Ofcourse it was… Otherwise how could they kill four top police officers in a matter of one night? They knew who their target was. They knew who kill and where to kill. And they did…

They are saying this is the worst terrorist attack India has seen. It was the worst one for America on 9/11. It would be worst for some other country some other day… And I want to know for how long… If you really want to rule the world, why not drop a few nuclear bombs on us? Finish us all and then you can rule… That ways you will save a lot of time… Why do you keep coming into my home and hurting us one by one? How long do you think the fear factor will work?

Weight pain

piyasree — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:39:00 +0000

Ten years back, I weighed 42kgs. Five years back I was 54kgs. Today I am 69kgs. For those who have known me all these years, I am sure it is a shocker…. Trust me, the growing waistband, fuller face and hips have left me quite surprised as well… I started with denial, moved to arrogance, irritability, downright heartache and finally resignation…. When I meet my friends from school or college, they all, usually as politely as possible, mention that I have gained a lot of weight… And I do the head bob routine in answer…

Does it bother me that I no longer fit into my favourite clothes? Does it bother me to see other people around me looking trim and fit, sporting trendy attires while I struggle with my ever expanding tummy? Honestly, it still does. But perhaps not as much as it used to be… And this is huge… Why? Well, it happens to be the essence of my weight loss regime…

I have read a thousand articles, sat through talk shows on TV, spoken to friends, doctors, and god knows who else. Of course, each one had their own take on the topic of weight loss… I was recommended diets, strict exercise routines, pills, and a whole gamete of advice as to “what really works”….

I followed some, chucked the others, but with minimal success. I often ended up feeling extremely unhappy because I would have failed to follow the diet (rice, potatoes and sweets happen to be staple diet). It was only after I got married that my husband pointed out that I have started obsessing about losing weight, and growing progressively unhappy in life. So this is what he had to offer: Don’t be hyper about your weight. You should be careful about being fit, thats all…. Don’t stop yourself from eating things you like…. And there is absolutely no need to spend boring hours in a gym, feeling terrible about yourself. We all need physical exercise… So do you like doing… Go play a game you like once a week… or swim… or walk…. Don’t be too hard on yourself…

And guess what…That actually worked I have been swimming, and I feel good… The flabs are still there, but I don’t care… I can see I am getting fitter…. I do a lot more laps in the pool now… And I tire less frequently… I feel good about myself… And I have actually started to lose weight!!!!

So here’s the bottom line… All those who are getting worked up about weight loss or gain… Just drop it… Obsess about being healthy, not slimmer or fuller…. Eat what you like, do what you like… But just feel happy… Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters… Your body is not for experimentation…. Your body is for you to enjoy… So be good to it darlings…